I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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