we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm just crazy horny about you
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
