I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
