one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
