I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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