I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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