Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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