I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So many bounce houses so little time
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
