Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's get the cat blown out
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
