you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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