Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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