The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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