There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize