I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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