Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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