It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
