My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
