Your face is a jimmy john
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
