I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
