can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
