can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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