god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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