Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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