Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
