Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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