What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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