No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
