I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
