we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize