Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Buhtt sex?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
