OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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