I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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