Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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