i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
