i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
