Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
