Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
