We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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