turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
