life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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