Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
