I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
