my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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