Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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