My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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