It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
