"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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