that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
