So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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