I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize