fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize