Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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